I Am Not Toxic, I Am Healing

By (khadija Remawa)

Growing up, I didn’t know there was a difference between being loved genuinely and being loved with hidden intentions. I assumed everyone who showed me affection meant well. I trusted too easily, too deeply. And that trust, that pure, innocent belief - is what led me to be harmed right from childhood.

I wouldn’t say I had the best childhood. In fact, it’s a part of my life that still feels too heavy to put into words. But with time, I’m learning to give myself grace. to understand that everything happened the way it did for a reason, even if the reasons are still unfolding. I’m embracing it now, not because it doesn’t hurt, but because healing requires acceptance. And I know I need to heal, truly heal, if I am ever going to open my heart again to those who come with pure, genuine love, without flinching, without expecting betrayal at every turn.

Somewhere along the way, without realizing it, I became like the people who hurt me. I started pushing away the ones who loved me the most. I acted cold, distant, sometimes even mean. And for a long time, I didn’t understand why. I hated myself for it. But now, standing here with clearer eyes and a softer heart, I see it differently. My pain built walls around me. My wounds taught me survival, not trust. It wasn’t cruelty. it was protection.

I won’t let life turn me bitter, no matter how much it tried. I know at my core, I was never born to be hard. Life made me that way. Circumstances forced me to grow an armor I never wanted to wear.

If I could go back and do it differently, maybe I would. Maybe I would love more fearlessly, hurt less recklessly. But part of growing is realizing that we can’t undo the past. we can only honor it by growing beyond it.

People throw the word “toxic” around so easily these days. But the truth is, when you’ve been abandoned, betrayed, or made to feel unsafe, it’s only natural that your heart builds defenses. Overreacting, shutting down, testing people, needing control. it’s not toxicity. It’s pain trying to protect itself the only way it knows how.

Yes, those defenses can hurt others if we’re not careful. Yes, they can become harmful if we don’t work on them. But at the root, it’s not evil. It’s survival. It’s fear wearing the mask of anger. It’s sorrow pretending to be indifference.

So no, I’m not toxic. I was wounded. I was a person trying to protect the most fragile parts of myself.

And now? Now I’m giving myself permission to heal. To unlearn the fear. To relearn love. starting with loving myself. I am not my wounds. I am not the worst thing I’ve done or the worst way I’ve acted. I am someone trying, deeply and desperately, to come home to herself.

I’m not toxic.

I’m human.

And I’m healing.